Changing the definition of self-love

(Elephant Journal posted this blog post on their website! Check it out!)

I was recently writing an article for my blog about quitting my job and traveling. For the first time in my life, I am giving myself permission to put myself first and to honor myself and my needs. While writing, I was searching for a synonym for the word “self-love”, to avoid repetition. I looked for suggestions from the handy Microsoft Word Thesaurus, and my jaw dropped:

Self-loveCapture

No wonder many of us are brought up thinking that self-care is not okay! Most of these synonyms are pejorative, and some are downright scary. After the initial shock, I remembered that this list of words describes how I used to feel about self-love. Growing up female in the Midwest, I was taught to put everyone else’s needs above my own. If I didn’t, I would be thought of as selfish or egocentric. I became a doormat. Not only did I not learn to set healthy boundaries, I was taught there would be severe consequences if I tried to set any kind of boundary. Naturally, I attracted people who took advantage of my giving nature. I married someone who was threatened if I set boundaries or if I expressed my own needs, and the pattern was further ingrained. It took me 33 years to discover the importance of putting myself first, and when I did, it was life changing.

I am still a giver, but no longer a pleaser (okay, maybe a recovering pleaser). I know now that I need to put my needs first and foremost. Rather than draining the well to care for others, my well is full enough to care for me and those around me. I consider it a practice – I am still doing my work every day to honor my needs and self-care. After I divorced, I declared the Year of Amanda. This included weekly massages, a yoga and qigong practice, and daily mindfulness meditation. I also allowed myself to buy art, stay out late dancing, lay in the park and read a book all day, or countless other pleasures I’d previously denied myself. By the time the year was up, I formed new habits based in self-love that are still part of my daily routine.

For most of my life, my inner critic was the loudest voice in my head. She told me everything that was wrong with me, until I had a consistent negative mantra playing in the background of my mind. After practicing self-love for two years, my inner critic still visits. I acknowledge her, and thank her for caring for me. I know her motivation is to protect me so I thank her, hold her hand, and offer her tea. In this way, she can come and go, yet I do not get swept up in negativity or despair.

At this point in my life, I find it absurd to think that self-love is akin to egotism, selfishness, or narcissism. I want to shout it from the tallest mountain. We must teach ourselves and our children self-love and self-care. We need to demonstrate through our own actions how to set and respect healthy boundaries. There is a spectrum from doormat to narcissist, and using mindfulness we can prevent ourselves from going too far in either direction.  I believe we can create a more compassionate society by changing the definition of “self-love”.

Here are some of my favorite quotes to help jump start a practice of self-love:

“The truth is, it’s not perfection we are seeking, but acceptance and self-love. And we only get that self-love through practice, through letting ourselves ‘off the hook’, and through complete forgiveness.” Michelle Paisley

“Our habit of being a fair-weather friend to ourselves…is deeply entrenched. But just as a relationship with a good friend is marked by understanding and compassion, we can learn to bring these same qualities to our own inner life.” Tara Brach

“Make certain to include yourself: One of the greatest blocks to lovingkindess is our own sense of unworthiness. If we leave ourselves out of the circle of love and compassion, we have misunderstood.” – Jack Kornfield

“We see only our shortcomings and blow them out of all proportion. At the same time, we take all our good qualities for granted, or fail to acknowledge them at all. Perhaps we get stuck in the often deep and still bleeding wounds of childhood, and forget or never discover that we have golden qualities too.” Jon Kabat-Zinn

“Love is the capacity to take care, to protect, to nourish. If you are not capable of generating that kind of energy toward yourself- if you are not capable of taking care of yourself, of nourishing yourself, of protecting yourself- it is very difficult to take care of another person.” – Thich Nhat Hahn

When I care for myself, I can care for others.” – Waylon H. Lewis

4 thoughts on “Changing the definition of self-love

  1. Thanks for the wonderful post Mandy! Soon we leave for a week of backpacking in Katmai – no cell or email contact – but lots of time for reflection and the joy of being out in a glorious place. You’ve given me much to think about! I really appreciate your posts!

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  2. We must be long lost cousins,I swear! I grew up with the same sentiments – the only difference is that I am Alaska Native.

    I need to take a page, or 10 from your book!!!

    Thank you for sharing your inner most thoughts so freely and in turn, teaching us how and where to begin!

    Soon, I’ll declare a year of Tami!

    Quyanna (Inupiaq Eskimo),
    Ana Baas’ee (Athabascan Indian),
    Thank you!

    Like

  3. You go girl! I am so envious of your trip. I had lunch with your Dad today and he told me about your blog. I love your photos. Keep putting yourself first.

    Cindi

    Like

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